The Cycle of Domestic Violence

Often, when we have grown in a normalized violent relationship, when the role models for relationships are violent, it is easy to believe that the cycle of violence is an ordinary way of being.

A victim of domestic violence may believe that the treatment she is receiving is not abuse.

    •  He really only hits me when he is drinking

     •  He is a good dad. So I stay

     •  I only get shoved now and again, but he is so stressed out now, it’s    

        understandable

She has heard these phrases from her mother, her grandmother, and so the abusive relationship for her is one that follows a generational cycle.  She was raised to accept abuse as part of a relationship.

Letting go of the normalization of abuse, understanding that life can be a positive and healthy process is one of the first steps a victim can take in

her steps to healing.  Moving from a victim to a survivor can take a bit of time, step by step.

We have a great deal of faith in our dreams, and a major dream of a woman who was raised watching the cycle of violence in a parental relationship, or being abused in turn by their parent is the dream that if her love is good enough and strong enough, she can change her partner.

         “If only I love him enough, I will be the one that helps him.”

The abusive partner may seem at times to be a loving and wonderful man. That is part of another cycle of violence.

Tension builds at the beginning of a relationship. He may begin a relationship on his best behavior, seeming to be charming, obliging, and then; sometimes slow, sometimes fast, he will begin to undermine his partner...insults centered on what she looks like, her behavior, her job, family, friends, and intelligence.

He may start telling her where she can go, when, and for how long.

At first his need to be with her could seem romantic, but slowly that constant demand of being together can become a prison.

She may begin to walk on egg shells, not understanding the change, but maybe accepting his behavior as normal, or unavoidable, something she just has to “get through.”

Then...the violent explosion, he strikes, hitting her across the face, pushing her, calling her names.  It is horrendous and terrifying.  She may begin to understand this is not right,, but not know where to turn,  And because of the undermining of her ego and self belief that he has accomplished, possibly consider the entire episode to be her own fault. 

“I pushed him to it, I nagged him, if I had not screwed up, if I had been nicer,

if I had not bought up the subject and just let him be, if I was a better partner...

But then again a new stage starts, the honeymoon stage....he is sorry, repentant, brings flowers.  He is his original, charming self. She believes then that all will be fine, and hopefully, she may believe, this time it will work.

“If only it will last”

Until the tension builds once again....

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The moment a man claims a right to control the will of a fellow being

by physical force, he is at heart a slaveholder.  ~Henry C. Wright

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